I wish she would live forever...

Most of you know, I have a very special quiet angel in my life -

my 12 yr. old golden retriever, Belle.

I have had her since I was 15. I am just know able to post this b/c I have run out of tears and have started the process of acceptance, but it is going to take me while to get through this post.

We found out last September that she had skin cancer after two tumors were removed off of her right leg. Everything seemed great, nothing seemed to "loom" over us.

Right after New Years, what I thought was two more tumors had popped up on her right leg again. I took her in to get them removed and there were SEVEN, not two. The type of skin cancer she has is very aggressive. We had just been dealing with Grade 2, well, one the size of a BB came back a Grade 3, which puts us in a whole other playing field. Chemo is not very effective towards this cancer, so we have decided not to pursue that option.

To me, her quality of life is much more important at this stage than the quantity!

She still greets us at the door everyday when we come home - tail wagging and ready to play frisbee to the best of her ability. If she wants a whole piece of bread instead of a half piece, yes, i admit it, she gets it.

The vet said we have 6-9 months.

I know the time will come, but I will NEVER be ready.

• Every time I have been sick, Belle would not leave the front yard, even if she did want to go on a walk so bad she couldn't stand it. She had a job a to do.
• One of her nicknames is "Thumper" b/c when you come up to her and she is lying on her side she thumps her tail on the ground so loudly and has the biggest grin on her face that says "Rub my belly, Rub my belly"
• Another nickname is "Boo Boo" b/c my brother used to call her that to make fun of her b/c she is such a chicken when it storms
• She is my protector and my gentle giant. All she wants to do is know your not going to hurt me, then she licks you to death.

I soak up every minute I can with her right now b/c I know I will never have a dog just like her. It is heart wrenching to think that what seems like a little thing in your life will leave an impact the size of a crater on your heart.

So this post is dedicated to my quiet angel.

CHRISTmas

Merry Christmas!!!!!!

December seemed to fly by so fast! I'm sure everyone feels that way. However, I think a lot of companies have started to steer away from the large Christmas parties because there did not seem to be that many around that I heard of, so that was a relief - but I could be in the dark.
It is always fun to recieve all the great Christmas cards, and well you can't forget the Christmas newsletters from Aunts, Uncles or Cousins. Some are joyful and others, well.... humourous.

We had a good Christmas, Stephen's big items were an ipod and a bike rack. I got a new bike (yeah!!) and a docking station for my ipod. We put the docking station in the kitchen and I have throughly enjoyed listening to music, instead of the TV, while I cook. I don't feel as rushed. Here are a few pics.

On Christmas Eve we went to Paul & Carolyns house and had Christmas with Stephen's side of the family. Our neice is growing so fast and to think she has a little sister coming shortly is amazing.

A week after Christmas we went up to Fayetteville to spend time with my nephews - Parker (7) & Henry (4). JT & Belle love it up at the farm. JT especially likes to go bark at the cows. While me and my brother, TJ, rock out on Guitar Hero. (as of right now, that is the one game that I can beat Stephen at - but I am sure he will catch up to me quickly)

We had a lot to reflect on and remember how much Christ has blessed us this past year.

1. Stephen being laid off and re-hired that then lead to a management postion.
2. Mom's fight with ovarian cancer - involving two sugeries and 7 rounds of chemotherapy. She is now cancer free!!!!
3. A good friend of mine was blessed with a beautiful baby girl.
4. And last, but not least, just the ability to live everyday in freedom. We are blessed that people will knowingly pay that price for us everyday. I love our troops!
   
   Our prayer for you and your families is that you will have a blessed New Year and may Christ be beside you everyday.
   

To be the best I can be

Pictured above: Alice, Amy & Leanne

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go out with a few friends. One couple consisted of my best friend Alice and her husband Chris that live in New Orleans. The other couple was Leanne and Chad. Leanne and I used to be best friends from junior high school until it fell apart our first year of college. It was really good to see her and her man, he seems to take really good care of her and I’m thankful for that. Alice & I have been friends since high school and got closer and closer in college and beyond.

On Sunday I found myself flooded with a million different feelings about the situation. I am one that never likes to lose friends. I know that some people come and go in our life - but i have always thought that when you are that close with someone that the friendship never really dies. I am sure that comes with being an adult but I also think it comes from me geninuinly caring about someone. There are girls I have gone to school with since kindergarten and they have turned more in to acquaintences. Sometimes that bums me out but it doesn’t pull at my heart strings like the loss of a friendship/friend that I spent a lot of quality time with does - someone that I "grew up with."

I have had a few friendships that have come full circle, that I lost touch with and I now spend time with, its not as close as I would probably like for it to be - but I am sure I am just as much to blame in those instances.

There were a lot of questions that flooded my head after all of my emotions of hurt and frustration mixed with excitement and true joy for this "new friendship" - for me that is what this is going to have to become in a sense - a new friendship. There is A LOT of history there but our lives are completely different, in a way, both of us have experience different turns in our lives, but I know the roots of our personalities are the same. I really just want to know what happened. Was it me? Am I the one at fault here? For some reason I can not find the courage to ask those questions yet - it still hurts. (Which is frustrating in its self, because I sometimes think I am stronger than that- HA! who am I kidding?)

I can remember when the day I was told I had cancer and how bad I just wanted a close girl friend there beside me - to hug me, cry with me, and laugh with me. I may not have talked about that much or I may have put on my strong face - but man, was I dying inside! Thinking... "Really? Cancer? I’m only 24! I have so much more ahead of me!" ... to name a few.
I do know now though that if anyone I consider a close girlfriend goes through anything life-threatening I will do everything in my power to be there and to be the comforter and friend that I needed.

This weekend taught me a lot, but most of all it reiterated what I have always tried to be... I want to be the best friend I can possible be... I want to be the best person I can possibly be... I want to be the best wife I can possibly be... I want to be the best mother, sister, aunt or cousin I can possibly be.

Pictured Left: Stephen, Amy, Chad, Leanne, Alice & Chris

Leanne - if you read this - I always wanted what was best for you - ALWAYS! Meeting Chad has put a great sense of peace in my heart and it seems that right now, you do have what is best for you! I am so happy for you!

Here is to all types of friendships - old, new or revitalizing.

The great dingy adventure!!

Off the main island there is a nationally registered island called “Buck Island” where locals and tourists spend their Sunday afternoons. You can only get there by boat and it is a mile off the mainland.

Most people take boats out there that a/b 20ft or larger. Most of the larger boats will pull a dingy (tiny boat w/ an outboard motor) so that they can take it to shore, cruise around to everyone else’s boat or take people around to the other side of the island to the snorkel trail.
Stephen wanted to take our friend’s (Dick) dingy out (funny, huh?) and ride right behind them (a 1970 60ft something) b/c he didn’t have a tow line for it. Well… this would be first time this dingy has ever been “out to sea” and the swells were a/b 2-4 ft., not bad, but not fun.
So off we go, merrily riding behind them as they pull out of the slip and out of the jetty. It looked as if we were going to keep up… until – Dick cranked it in to only about 10-knots and we were soon left in a trail of churned ocean. I thought to myself “that’s okay- it will just take us a half a day to get there.” Wasn’t happy about it, but was adjusting okay.
Then the motor dies. He cranks again, we progress a/b 15 ft (we are going in to the seas to go to the island) then it dies again. We lose our 15 ft. gain. By this point we are a/b ¼ mile or more from land. He then says “why are we taking on water?” He grabs the water pump that you use to usually pump out rain water and starts pumping. We lose more ground. He starts it again. We gain 10 more feet, maybe and it dies. The engine sits too far in to the water, so every time we would hit a high wave and the back end would drop a little the engine would get flooded. He then asks me to grab this milk jug that has half the top cut out of it so I can start bailing water. “Fine, I thought, I can do this, its not big deal, this is a tiny boat, and it’s kinda’ like being in he lake.” Then I happen to look up and the boat is bounding up and down and get my bearings all messed up and here comes the nausea.
So, now I’m nauseated, it’s hot as heck, we have nothing with us but a water pump, my mosquito bitten feet are sitting in a/b 8 inches of ocean water/ left over beverage that was spilled trying to do 3 things at once and I realize I’m burning b/c I didn’t put sunscreen on my back b/c it wasn’t supposed to be that long of a ride. I can also see that my family and a/b 12 other friends had made it to Buck Island and was starting to get a little panicked/really pissed that they were not going to come get us. If I could have screamed profanities I would have, then I thought at this point there was no point in wasting my breath.

My husband looks at me and says “Well I guess if worse comes to worse we will eat your left leg first.” I was stunned, thinking “WHAT?,” and I replied with, “Oh no(!), why my leg?" He was trying to lighten the mood and I wasn’t having it.
We notice that the big boat has turned around to come get us and they are looking a/b 1/4mile west of us. We’re screaming, waving our hands- then they finally come over.
As we are bobbing up and down as they back in to us so we can get up at the swim platform at the back of the boat, I hear something buzzing beside my left ear. I swat it, thinking it was mosquito and BAM! A STINGING SHOCKWAVE goes through my left thumb and in to my body. I’m screaming, I see the bee do a dive bomb in to the bottom of the dingy and look at my thumb to see its stinger lodged in to the top pad of my thumb and half of its intestines still attached.
So, I’m screaming, freaking out b/c all I want to do is get on the freakin’ boat – a friend reaches over grabs me underneath my armpits, and like superman lifts me to safety. Now I realize I’m okay and I lose it – I am a balling – I had had enough crap in the past 45 minutes, I was done – then I notice there are about 10 people on this boat that I have never met before and they probably think I am the biggest pansy.
They ended up finding a line to pull the dingy behind the boat, we get there, they check to see why were taking on water… Dick (our friend) had taken out the plug for something and forgot to put it back in. We found out that champagne corks work just fine for a drain plug. Let the engine out and the dingy was ready for other adventures…. That did not include me!

Here is a picture of my dad, Stephen & the infamous dingy.

VACATION

We had a wonderful vacation visiting my dad and step-mom. We didn't get to go island hopping which was a HUGE bummer b/c of some incompetent boat mechanics at the marina.

However, some good friends of ours, Robyn & Ethan, rent villas for a living and they let us stay in one for a few nights. The name of the group of villas is called The Villa Madeline. If you would like to rent one for your next vacation, let me know and I can contact them, in the mean time I am going to try to find their website so I can link it here. It was awesome - 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, den, full kitchen and a private pool. Very romantic.

Here are some pictures.

(L) Stephen looking for baby sharks. (R) Robin, Deborah & me on the boat at Buck Island.

Out in the town shopping.

Us being tourists - at the eastern most point of the United States of America. Behind us is a sun dial that was built in 2000 for the millenium.

THE VILLA!

Cancer....free, babies, pun-kins & ribbons

It is absolutely crazy that it has already been 22 days since our last post. We have been very busy. I guess this way we don't have to wait for our vacation to get here, it is just going to smack us in the head the night before.


As a family, we got the best news in six months.....
MOM IS CANCER FREE!!!

The past couple of weeks I have been traveling for work- Fayetteville for a photo shoot and Hot Springs for a tradeshow. In between those events I have preparing our office to participate in the 2ND Annual WD&D Pumpkin Carving Contest (which i think was sabotaged/rigged) and the Tinkled Pink - where we decorate a port-o-potty for the Race for the Cure.


Here are some pictures of the port-o-potty - we don't know if we won yet- we better have!!!

Stephen joined us later and helped with all the detail work- i think he is the one that took the group photo - me, Courtney, Laura and Aaron. I know, you would want to use the potty in our bathroom!! We had all the tile and wallpaper donated. So it only cost us a/b $50 to decorate.

Before all of those events I hosted a baby shower for one of my long time friends! That was such a treat - however i do feel older by the day when my friends start having kids and Wes & Kelly have #2 in the oven. But no pressure, right?!
"In Gods time" is what i keep telling myself. Although we have had "the baby talk" but I will need to get off of my nerve pain medicine and that will be a TALL mountain to climb. Maybe I will talk more about that on another post.

Speaking of babies - Stephen & I are going to have to deal with "letting a stranger keep our baby for the first time" thing. I never knew finding a kennel that we were both comfortable with was going to be such a task! First we thought we had found someone Stephen works with to keep him, b/c come to find out they had one of JT's cousins only a month or two younger than him. Well, he was a little too rambunkcious (sp?) for dad and mom just wanted to know that he was going to be as loved there as he is at home. It will be funny to see how long we can go w/out calling the kennel to see if he's alright.

I will try to write again before we go on vacation!

What a weekend!

BIG DAM BRIDGE 100

This past week Stephen, Wes & P.D. (Amy's stepdad) participated in the Big Dam Bridge bike race. This race helps benefit the Arkansas Prostate Foundation. They chose to do the 25-mile course. They ended up doing 35 miles in a little over 2 hours with an average speed of 14.7 mph!! You can find out more about "the longest pedestrian bridge in the world" here.

I know they had such a wonderful time, however, it kicked their rear!! They were so exhausted but felt so good for completing a race. Plus, it was for a good cause - proceeds benefited the Prostate foundation.

OVARIAN CANCER AWARENESS!!

For those of you that do not know, my mom- Suzanne Holland, was diagnosed with a rare form of ovarian cancer in March. She just completed 6 months of chemotherapy. I do have to say that I think she has the prettiest bald head I have ever seen! No dents, no funny angles.

God has blessed us tremendously with this process. He allowed it to be caught fairly early and made the chemo process easier than most. She did have some nausea every time and fatigue - but other than that she has handled the drugs very well.

I will be posting more info on here about ovarian cancer "the silent killer."

If you just can't wait, the best website for more information is here at the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition. They do a lot with the politics of funding as well. So when we need your help, I will post on here what you can do to get more awareness out there.

Here is a picture right after Stephen shaved her had back in May. We had a head shaving party! The whole losing the hair issue was a big one for mom to get over - she still isn't over it, would you? (and would probably kill me for putting this picture up here). It took a few times seeing it for me to get over it. But now, to me it signifies such strength and courage!

This weekend mom & I went to an Ovarian Cancer Retreat at the Arkansas Cancer Research Center (division of UAMS). It was informative but more for people currently going through everything. Mom's big question was "now what? - I've been through it, how do i get active again, etc."

When we got there for registration, on your tag it said if you were a survivor or a caretaker. If you were a survivor it just listed your name and the month and year you were diagnosed. For me, it had my name and underneath it "caretaker." To be honest, I wasn't really expecting it. It is a little weird to be identified as her "caretaker," it's that whole role reversal thing. My step-dad has done a GREAT job at taking care of her. That was just a little more for me to fully comprehend yet. I guess b/c a caretaker to me is someone that watches over the elderly or very ill and to me, mom isn't any of those things.

ONE SWEET DEVICE!

Stephen also bought his "first very own computer since high school" this weekend. We needed something just for home use and simple tasks. He was very pumped.

We hope everyone else had a blessed weekend, too!